Sexplain It Live: I Don’t Want to Go Down on My Wife If She Refuses to Reciprocate

Sexplain It Live: I Don’t Want to Go Down on My Wife If She Refuses to Reciprocate

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

This is the transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by sex and cannabis writer Sophie Saint Thomas—author of the new book Sex Witch: Magickal Spells for Love, Lust, and Self-Protectionto answer a bunch of your sex and relationship questions.

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I’ve tried a bunch of different types of CBD lube, and it hasn’t done anything for me. What is it supposed to do or feel like?

SST: My first question would be is if this is someone with a penis because that could be why it’s not working. For a cannabis topical, like lube, you need mucus membranes in order to absorb the CBD. So that means you have to use it in your vagina or butthole. So if you do have a penis and you want to experience a reduction in inflammation, increased blood flow—because cannabis is a vasodilator—if you have a penis, you have to put it up your butt! And I highly recommend doing so because it’s awesome. Also, you know I love CBD, I wrote an entire book about it, but if you’re someone who isn’t feeling the effects of CBD, then go for the THC, man.

ZZ: Yeah, one thing that’s worth pointing out, as CBD lube is seemingly so popular right now, is that if you put it on your penis to have sex, it’s going to do nothing for you. It really is for your partner, to help them relax and help with any pain or inflammation.

So what is the best way to incorporate cannabis into your sex life?

SST: I get that question a lot and it’s a little tricky. I like to say that it’s not off the rack. This isn’t like, “Oh, I wear a size four. I’m going to grab a size four.” This is couture. This is very couture because all our sexual needs are really different. I’m someone who kind of runs very high. Like Adderall just makes me explode, and I have some sexual trauma. So when I’m looking for cannabis to enhance my sex life, I want something relaxing, that’s calming and grounding and will keep me in the moment. But for instance, my partner, who is dominant, notices that the cannabis I use doesn’t work well for him. He needs something a little bit more uplifting, that lowers his inhibitions, and that can maybe help with creativity for new role-playing scenarios.

The best way to find out what works for you is to experiment. I personally love edibles, but they can last for like six hours and take up to two hours to kick in. So you really have to kind of plan for it.

I go down on my wife, but she doesn’t go down on me. Is that fair?

SST: I mean on paper, it doesn’t sound fair, but sex is complicated. We all have different needs and desires. I’m curious. Why does she not? Does she have shame around it or just really doesn’t like it or has trauma? I feel like I’m going to say something problematic, just like, you deserve to get your dick sucked.

ZZ: But you do deserve to get your dick sucked. Um… no, I guess it’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. That’s not the right question. The issue here is: I would like to get head from my wife. She does not want to do it. How do I go about getting head? When you start making a list

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