23 Ways to ‘Punish’ Your Partner During BDSM Sex

23 Ways to ‘Punish’ Your Partner During BDSM Sex

When you hear the word “punishment,” sex probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. But in BDSM—an umbrella term that encompasses bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism—punishment can be a major component of sex. And a pleasurable one, at that.

“Punishment is a behavior modification tool used in some [dominant/submissive] dynamics to train or discipline a submissive when they’ve defied a boundary or disobeyed an order,” explains Charyn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating. “There’s no one-size-fits-all playbook for punishment, and not every kinky relationship uses it.”

Every couple is free to determine the type and severity of punishments they want to use—and the options are essentially endless. For example, if the submissive partner is a “brat” (a sub who enjoys disobeying their dom’s rules), a dom might give you a spanking as a punishment for being naughty.

“Punishment can include spankings, slapping, choking, use of restraints, or (consensually) forcing your partner into sexual acts,” says Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness, a private members Open Love club for the adventurous. “It’s really up to you and your partner to set the limits of what’s okay for punishment and what’s not.”

Like with most deliciously kinky things, punishment is not just about pain, but also pleasure. It’s a dance between the dom and sub that allows them to explore sides of themselves they may not get a chance to express in real life.

“Sexual punishment is when you know there is a part of you that is under-expressed, maybe from shame or fear,” says Kenneth Play, international sex educator and and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series. “So, if you feel like you’re being a dirty slut, being punished by your partner allows you to live out that feeling, while also enjoying your ‘dirty slut’ side.”

IMPORTANT: Before you engage in any BDSM punishments, you and your partner must thoroughly discuss your boundaries and limits beforehand. Despite the connotation of punishing someone, the activity still requires enthusiastic consent from all parties; the punished wants to be punished, and the punisher wants to punish.

Here are 23 ideas for consensual BDSM punishments:

1. Orgasm denial

This is where you bring someone to the brink of orgasm, only to stop touching them right before orgasm. Oh, the sweet agony.

2. Spanking (or not spanking)

Put them over your knee and show them what happens to naughty people who break the rules. Just remember to aim for the fleshy parts of the body, such as the butt cheeks and upper thighs.

Or, you could deny them a spanking. “Sometimes a submissive will ‘act out’ to get the punishment that they really enjoy,” says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop. “One way to punish them is to NOT give them what they enjoy.”

3. Forced silence.

Force your sub to agree to keep their pretty little mouth shut. You can go a step further by not allowing your submissive to speak while in a public place without asking permission first.

4. Denying your sub an event they’re looking forward to

This would be cruel outside of a consenting dom/sub dynamic, but hot as hell if both parties are into it. “[This entails] getting your submissive dressed up for an event that they really enjoy, but upon arrival making them sit outside on the ground with their hands in their lap and not allow them to come into the event for a specific amount of time,” Sparks says.

5. Walk your sub like a puppy

Make your submissive walk on all fours with a collar and a leash like a dog. You can incorporate a dog mask designed for kink, like this one, and even take the act outside for the public humiliation factor.

6. Have them wear their “slut” status on their clothes

This is a form of public degradation: You make your submissive wear a shirt that literally says “slut” on it.

7. Chain the naughty sub up

“Chain your partner to the bed and leave them there to wait for your return,” Saynt says. “Leave your home and decide how long you want to make them wait for you. Come back to them begging you to set them free.” Oh, the fun that can ensue afterward!

8. Forced orgasm

This is when you “make” your partner “take” the pleasure, even if it feels like over-stimulation. “Force your partner to have orgasms until they are completely overwhelmed—then keep going,” Play says.

9. Cuckolding

This is when the dom has sex with someone else and forces the sub to watch. Cuckolding is a more advanced activity, and we suggest doing your research before bringing a new person into the bedroom. For a slightly tamer version, the dominant partner can make the submissive watch them get off with a toy.

10. Hold out on them

“Refuse to let your partner pleasure you and make them beg for a taste,” Saynt suggests. “Come within a few inches of their mouth, watch their tongue slip out and get just close enough but not quite there. Make your body their prize and make the longing for it the punishment.”

11. Grab the ice

“Grab ice cubes and use them to run along your partner’s body while they are restrained,” Saynt says. “Use the ice to stimulate their body and offer a chilling experience.” This can go really well with a blindfold—that wa

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